About 6 years ago I was at a retreat listening to a pastor speak about our identity in Christ. He handed out blank name tags and asked us to fill them in, but NOT with our real names, but rather a name someone else called us or a false identity that we assumed. Perhaps a name that we wrestled with that caused some shame, but really wasn’t true. Once we had that name, we were to stick it on our lapel and wear it.
I looked around the room and saw some men writing a few common themes down on their name tags; many guys wrote down “failure†because of their situation or frustration with their job or career path that they ended up on… or the fact that they suffered through a difficult or broken marriage; some wrote “unworthy†because of their inability to live up to the expectations heaped on to them by people in their lives…or wrote “unlovable†due to the brokenness of their relationships with their families.
Now, I am the King Of Rationalization, and have an unbelievable ability to maintain my confidence (blame everyone else, at all cost) and couldn’t bear to write down “failure†or “unworthy†or “unlovable.†Because frankly, at that moment, I didn’t see any of my own failures: I believed I was worthy, and I loved myself too much to write down “unlovableâ€. I thought “Huh, I guess this exercise isn’t really going to drum something very profound up within me…†So while the other men began to get stirred up, my mind wandered as the music played in the background, until of course I remembered a name my Father called me when he was angry with me. It had been easily 30 years since he called me that name, and probably 29 since I even remembered it. But apparently, I never forgot it. And somewhere deep down, hearing the memory of his voice call me that name again, REALLY began to bother me. My hands were trembling as I wrote down this name, and I reluctantly affixed it to my lapel. The emotions were swirling in my head. I love my Dad. We were always very close and still are to this day. My Dad was my hero growing up. But why would he call me that hurtful name again and again? What was he thinking?
At that time, I was 39 years old, and suddenly I am recalling a repressed memory of a hurtful name my Dad called me, and I am pissed, flustered, and moved to tears? I could barely talk. How could this name—this one little word– own me like this? Well as part of the exercise, another man walked over to me, tore off the label, crumpled it up and let me know that the name my father had called me was not who I was. It was just a word. And in that moment, I was able to let go of that memory and forgive my Father. He had no idea of the power of his words. And if I brought this to his attention, he’d be crushed. In other words, my words would do to him, what his had done to me.
Unfortunately it was this realization that made things worse, not better– because I was instantly overcome with guilt and shame as I thought about what my 4 and 5 year-old sons were going to be crying over in 30 years because of a stupid name I already called them. I mean, what baggage had I saddled them with already simply because of the words I said?
What was harder was perhaps the fact that I had never even thought about the impact I was having with the words I was using. The words that I threw around in frustration or anger. The words directed at my wife, my kids, my family or friends. Yet here I sat in a room full of grown men, weeping; a room full of proof that words carry a very significant weight with them. A weight that leaves an imprint years, even decades after they have been said.
Wondering what impact our words are having? Come join us this Wednesday as we begin our new series “The Weight of Wordsâ€
Invest, and invite,
pat
Pat Mancuso
patmancuso@mac.com
(703) 401-8302
FUEL
See our Blog at: https://menoffuel.com/blog
“It’s what you need to keep you going…”
Our mission is to create a comfortable, relevant and honest environment where men can explore and discuss aspects of life, purpose and faith.
We accomplish our mission by reviewing pertinent issues in men’s lives, examining them through relevant biblical principles, followed by a time of discussion with other men.
Wednesday mornings, September through May…and beyond
6:30 AM to 7:30 AM @ Hidden Creek Country Club, Reston, VA.
—
See our blog at https://menoffuel.com/blog and leave your comments
**If you would like to add someone to the Fuel Email List, please have them send an email to:
Fuel_list+subscribe@googlegroups.com. Â In the subject please type Subscribe.